“I demolish my bridges behind me – then there is no choice but forward.”
Fridtjof Nansen
When you know a relationship is over, it’s not always easy to call it a day. There is the possibility of really hurting someone else’s feelings for a start. If you live together, there is going to be a lifestyle change. Whether that involves you moving house or even just financially feeling the impact of paying bills on your own again. Add kids into the mix and the whole shebang becomes a lot more complicated.
Looking back now, my relationship with my ex ended a good 5 years before I eventually had the bravery to step out. I think I stayed with him out of fear. Fear of not being able to financially survive on my own. Would I be responsible for breaking up the family and would my children resent me for it? And could I even raise them on my own? Let’s also not forget society’s negative portrayal of single mothers.
But I was miserable. I did the bulk of the housework, the bulk of the childcare, the endless lists of grocery shopping, and a large proportion of managing the school admin and what comes with that. I was the primary parent. Plus, I was working 40+ hour weeks as a board member and on top of that, a 4 hr daily commute in the week. But none of that would split the family. When you love someone, you put up with all sorts. You probably complain about them to your friends, but you put up with it nonetheless.
However, I didn’t love him. There were some days I didn’t even like him and I am sure he felt the same. We were not suited to be together and it took over a decade to realise it.
Once we split, we lived together for over a year for the sake of the children, and then the decision was made to go our separate ways. It was January this year when I moved back to London and now have my children Mon-Fri. They stay with him 3 weekends out of 4 and we split the holidays as much as we can.
I will say raising the children on my own has its benefits. I am much happier for starters. I will say being lonely on your own is one thing. Feeling lonely because you’re with the wrong person is worse. Much worse. Psychologists have proven the happiness of a child is directly linked to the happiness of the parents raising them. So this is important to share. I now have the freedom to make my own choices. The most important being how to raise my children. I also don’t have additional stress. The stress of arguing with someone. Or the stress of being made to feel guilty about having to work late or attend an early meeting. My ex-partner didn’t have a corporate job and didn’t understand that those meetings were not only crucial to your career, but they were crucial to the job itself and sadly you had to sacrifice time at home if you want to succeed.
But with single parenting, of course, comes challenges. The burden is almost 100% on you. I count myself very lucky as I now live with my sister who just so happens to be my best friend. She helps me out a lot. She offers to do the school drop off and pick up while I’m in the office. She looks after them when I’m called to do a work event or if I’m invited to something special in the week. But more than that, she supports my decisions – and tells my children off when they are pushing all my buttons. She adores them but she also protects me.
However, I am very mindful that they are my responsibility and certainly not hers. When they have a rough day or their teacher calls me about behaviour or they fall out with their friends, I can talk to her, but I don’t feel like I’m sharing the load. If anything, I try hard not to share it as much as possible. I speak to their dad if it’s serious but I try not to bring him into it if I can. Mainly because although we tolerate each other for their sake, I am positive we wouldn’t speak at all if it wasn’t for them. Very different people living very different lives. Let’s just say that.
Before moving house, I also took on a new job. In a leadership position. So, the burden of responsibility can weigh heavily. But what is it like? How do I cope? How do I juggle everything that needs my attention?
Lack of choice. That’s how.
No in all seriousness, there are a few things that make my life easier, although I do regularly panic about letting something slip as the impact of it impacts more than just me.
Let me give you a day in my life…
6am weekday morning and the alarm sounds. I am not a typical morning person who jumps out of bed. I need a little time to come around. This is since I rarely go to bed before 11pm. For those of you thinking ‘Why don’t you go to bed earlier?’ I need to share the rest of my day for you to understand the value I place on later evenings.
So anyway, I digress… Around 6:30am I jump in the shower. Brush teeth, all the good hygiene stuff most of us do in the morning, and then usually while in my towel, I attempt to rouse the children. Always the 6-year-old first as her bedroom is next door to mine and then off, I go to get the 8-year-old up. My children have this knack of waking before dawn on days they don’t need to get up. Weekends, Holidays, etc but on school days, nope. They must be shaken awake and gently coerced into the bathroom where their toothbrushes wait with the toothpaste already applied.
I then continue to get myself ready while my daughter brings all her stuff into my room while talking to me in detail about the various dreams she’s had the night before, to which I nod and hmmm while trying to concentrate on not poking myself in the eye with a mascara brush.
I then move on to fixing her collar, helping her with her tights, and then brushing her hair into some sort of style she approves of. A quick visit from my son who pops his head around the door to ask if he can go watch TV before I ask him to get his shoes on, pick his breakfast, and ensure his school bag is packed with homework folders, snacks, water bottles and whatever kit he needs that day – football, swimming, PE etc.
We then all head downstairs where I argue with my son that a chocolate crepe isn’t a substantial breakfast while making my daughter her usual porridge while she packs her snacks and gets her school shoes on.
At 8:15 we leave the house for the school run and I am then either back home by 9am ready to start my working day or I’m heading straight from the school to the train station to catch my train into central London.
My job consists mainly of writing content. Content for sales decks, websites, emails, invites, etc. Or I’m brainstorming ideas on how to reach our customers and clients better – in creative ways like fun events, competitions, and roadshows. It’s a fun job and I work for a brilliant brand with brilliant people but even when a job is fun, it still takes up a lot of mental capacity, and like most jobs, there are days when it’s just not fun. I also manage people and as an empathic leader, I take on their worries and concerns while trying to help them navigate the world of work. I also had a team member resign recently and another return from mat leave. So, my team resource is lacking and I’m mindful for my mat returner not to be too overwhelmed taking on more than her fair share of work.
On top of work, I also mentor a brilliant young woman who looks to me for guidance. Something I feel very passionate about as I didn’t have a mentor when I was a junior and I realise how different things could have been if I did. I also run a Growth Board – a peer-to-peer mentoring group for marketing leaders.
Before you think I’ve taken on too much, we all get our dopamine hits in various ways. These are mine.
I usually leave the office around 3:30-4 to head back to the school to pick up the little people. I used to pop them in aftercare and breakfast club on the days I was in the office, but my daughter was struggling with the long days on top of the extracurricular stuff she did, so it wasn’t sustainable. Now if my sister can’t help, I pick them up as soon as I can, and come back home to re-open my laptop while consecutively helping them both with their homework.
Speaking of the extracurricular stuff, as their dad lives around a 40min drive away, their weekends are not spent around our home so the Irish Dancing, Theatre Clubs, Football clubs etc, etc. must happen in the week around school hours, so this adds to the length of their days and more to-do-lists for me to add to my week.
After all homework is done and clubs etc are finished, it’s dinner time. If we have enough time, we watch a little TV together, play games or video games together, and then I rush them back upstairs to bed. After teeth are brushed, hair is plaited and stories are chosen, I then read to my daughter and sing her a song (badly might I add) before going into my son’s bedroom to read him his storybook. Usually, the latest Tom Fletcher or David Walliams before I head back downstairs.
This is the moment my brain goes blank. I love peace and time for reflection. Hence why I go to bed late. I need a few hours of peace and no responsibility to relax. To give my brain time to wind down. If I attempted to go to bed early my brain would be on high alert, and I couldn’t sleep.
One of the hardest parts of being me is I am a natural introvert. I love spending time on my own. In a room full of people I know, I will talk a lot. I’ll even shout and sing and I can be very loud. This shows my level of comfort. But I usually must leave and find a quiet place to recover.
In a room full of strangers, I’ll stay very quiet. Except at work. Despite the fact my best ideas come from peaceful moments, work is not peaceful. I work on a noisy sales floor surrounded by what appear to be mainly extroverts. I learned quite late on in my career that to be noticed at work, you need to stand out. Introverts need to fake it to make it. That in itself can really take its toll.
My mental capacity by the time my work and parenting is done has well and truly crashed. And these are the good days when there is nothing wrong with my children (thankfully which to my luck is often).
Since the move, my son is thriving. He loves his new school. His behaviour in school has improved and he’s started to be more helpful at home. I think consistent parenting is key. When I was still with his dad, we had different parenting styles, and let’s just say we may have contradicted each other a few times. My daughter loves the new house, and loves the area. She’s always been brilliant at school but did struggle with not being with us both at all times.
However, lately, it’s been a bit tougher. The summer holidays have just finished. We managed to split the time equally and she spent a week with me and my family at home, then two weeks with her dad, and then we went to France for the final two weeks before she went back to school. She’s been back in her own bed, heading off to school while heading off to work, and in that time, separation anxiety has become a big thing. Bedtimes have taken longer than usual. Tears have been flowing and more cuddles have been needed. When I come in from work, she sits on me. Not next to me. On top of me with her arms in an embracing death grip. She needs me more than usual.
Thankfully a saving grace for me is working in a role where I can leave early and pick it back up once I get home. I am certainly not saying having the kids around while I’m trying to concentrate is easy – far from it but the guilt of not being present in her life enough has certainly eased and I think that’s the battle that takes a bigger toll on my own mental capacity.
One big thing I’ve learned is knowing what level of stress is the lesser evil and coping better with that by making the right adjustments.
One main thing as a single parent is feeling as if life was a big rush. Rushing to get dressed, rushing breakfast, rushing to school, rushing to work, rushing home rushing dinner, and even rushing bedtime.
I have started getting up earlier to have a little more time in the mornings. Enjoying breakfast while chatting and listening to music before leaving the house. Getting home from work earlier means dinners are made in between meetings but it means the kids have time to digest it a little before brushing their teeth.
Next week I’m even going to attempt to get up at 5am to work out before everything else – I’ll let you know how that goes.
So, while I’m worrying if they are ok, and if they see me enough, worrying that my work is good enough or if my team has enough support. On top I”m worrying about friends, family, while trying to keep up with the school WhatsApp groups, my mentee, my Growth Board group… the list is endless, I cope. Because I constantly remind myself while I’m doing it. I may have high-functioning anxiety or feel stress often but I manage.
I know it’s a phase and it will soon pass. It won’t be forever and if it starts to take its toll, I make a decision quickly to change something, step away from something, or step nearer to somebody. I have to remember, on top of everything else, I need to ensure I am at my best. I ensure I have enough time to work out, chill out, and most importantly, sleep. If I don’t, everything else can fall apart and I certainly know I don’t have the mental capacity to cope with that.
I won’t even attempt to give advice to other working parents, single parents, or parents in general. I will say if you have a parent on your team, flexibility can be the difference between someone thriving at work or you losing a team member. Without flexibility, I would constantly fail everyone’s expectations including my own. I have to remind myself that I cannot be everything to everyone, all of the time. Give myself a break and thank my lucky stars I am in a job that allows me to work around my life and a family that makes me smile every day.
Insanely Normal 